Tugger's Sure Fire List Of How To Catch A Queen
by ItsOnlyDallis
Summary: Tugger gives Quaxo a list that is sure to make Victoria fall madly in love with him.
1. Prolouge

_I don't know if anyone will notice this, but this story is a COM__PLETE rip off of Invaderk's "10 Ways" Harry Potter Fanfic. Definitely check it out, it's really funny. _

_Again, Victoria and Quaxo. I got the idea for this one when I was trying to write a second chapter for my "Quaxoria!" story (which title will hopefully be changed at some point) before school began today. (Since for some reason, I get there 40 minutes earlier then I need to.) So yes, I do have 5 stories to work on right now, but I will try really hard to do it and I SWEAR I won't start a new one anytime soon. (maybe)_

_(For anyone that isn't a crazy CATS fan, Queens are female cats and Toms are male cats. Just to let you know.)_

()()()()

**The Rum Tum Tugger's Sure-Fire List Of How To Get Any Queen You Want**

1. Always, ALWAYS call them "babe" or "hot stuff". They love it!

2. If your Queen is with a different Tom , you can always just beat him up. Queens like it when you're in charge.

3. Queens love to be teased. They think it's cute.

4. No means yes. Always.

5. Get her jealous. Surround yourself with other girls and ignore her. Guaranteed!

6. Queens love a man with a mane! If you can't grow one, fake it! It can't be that hard.

7. Surprise them! No, not with flowers, idiot. Run up from behind and kiss them when their not looking! (On a side note, Queens don't really like flowers anyways. It's all an act.)

8. When in doubt, show off your muscles.

9. Easiest way to get a Queen: Pickup line.

10. If all else fails, no Queen can resist it when a sexy Tom like you starts crying. It just melts their hearts.

Quaxo scanned the list doubtfully as Tugger smiled at him in anticipation.

"Tug... you're my best mate... and I mean this in the nicest way possible... but this is INSANE!"

Tugger laughed and put an arm around his friends shoulders. "Quax... I know woman. Trust me. The list works."

Quaxo shook his head. "Victoria's not stupid. She'll see right through this."

"Naw." Tugger disagreed, "Listen, I've done this a million times. It's never, ever failed!"

"Are you sure?" Quaxo asked, scanning the list again. "Because this really don't look like it's going to work very well..."

"Trust me." Tugger said, turning on his charm.

Quaxo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Ok then..." he muttered, "I'll try it. But this better work, Tug!"

Tugger brushed off the threat lazily. "Look, there she is." He pointed one of his paws in the direction of the beautiful white cat. "Go one, buddy! Don't forget the list!"

Tugger placed both his hands on Quaxo's back and pushed him forward into the Jellicle clearing. Quaxo stumbled, but quickly regained his balance. He glanced down at the list one last time before heading toward Victoria...

()()()()

_Short little intro chapter there. I should have the first real chapter up either later tonight or tomorrow. The list may be changed as time goes on, but I don't think so. I've already re-wrote it about 20 times. I think I'm happy with it now._

_The last time I told you that I would love you dearly if you wrote me a review, some people (I'm not naming names coughkaklaskmancough) took it a bit literally, so this time I will just BE REALLY GRATEFULL if you write me a review. It would be uber cool._

_Tootle-pip!_


	2. Step 1

_I TOLD you it would be up quickly!_

_I know this chapters a bit weird, but it'll get better. I promise!_

()()()()

_1 .Always, ALWAYS call them "babe" or "hot stuff". They love it!_

Quaxo shook with nervousness and terror as he came closer and closer to the beautiful white cat. She lay on her back, belly exposed to the sunlight and her soft blue eyes were closed in pleasure.

"Um..." Quaxo coughed as he reached her.

Victoria opened her eyes and spun onto her belly. She looked up at Quaxo with a small smile on her face. "Hi, Quaxo!"

Quaxo took another deep breath. "Hi... babe..." he said, gaging her reaction.

Victoria laughed. "Let me guess...you lost a bet to Tugger or something, haven't you?"

"N-no!" Quaxo said nervously. "I mean... no way, babe." He tried to put on what he hoped was a sexy smile.

Victoria's smile fell slightly. "ok then..." she muttered.

"So... what are you doing tonight... hot stuff...?"

"Quaxo... you're acting really weird."

Quaxo took a shuttering breath. He knew that to make this work, he would have to really get into the character.

"All the more weird for you to love, sex kitten." Quaxo said quickly, but (hopefully) confidently.

_So this is what it's like to be Tugger._ He thought to himself as he took a couple steps closer to Victoria.

Victoria glanced around the clearing nervously. When she saw that there were no other cats around she started to bite her lip.

"Quaxo, whats going on?"

"Nothing a little lovin' wouldn't help, sweet thang." Quaxo smiled and looked at her though his eyelashes.

"Quaxo, you're scaring me!" Victoria said in a high-pitched voice as Quaxo took another few steps towards her.

Quaxo frowned. He wasn't sure if this was a normal reaction or not. He glanced over his shoulder at Tugger, standing in the shadows. Tugger gave him a thumbs up and waved his hands, urging him on.

Quaxo turned around again to look at Victoria. Her eyes went wide and she took a few steps backwards.

"Quaxo..." she began slowly. "I'm going to leave now. You can come talk to me when you're feeling better, ok?"

Without waiting for a reply, Victoria turned on her heels and ran off into a different part of the junkyard.

"No! Victoria! I mean... Kitten! Babe! Honey! Um..." Quaxo flattened. His short-lived ego deflated and turned around to look at Tugger again.

"Tug! What happened?" He asked as the Tugger came out of his hiding spot.

Tugger shrugged. "I think that went over rather well, actually."

"WHAT?"

"No, no, no, Quax. Listen," he said as Quaxo started on him, "You've put some fear into her. That's a good thing. She knows your serious about this now. Now, you just need to drive it in a little more. That's where step two comes in."

Quaxo pulled the list Tugger gave him out of his pocket and looked at it.

"Oh dear..."

()()()()

_What now, brown cow?_

_Sorry... I had to say that. Next chapter will be coming out... I don't know when! For now, keep reviewing! I've already gotten one, lets see how many more I can get before I put the next one up! _

_Let's make it a challenge, actualy. We'll try to beat the number of reviews each time I put a new chapter up. Sound fun? _

_Score now is: 1 _


	3. Step 2

_I guess I should explain that in this story, Victoria is single and both Quaxo and Plato are trying to get her. Plato doesn't like Quaxo for that reason. So.. there you go._

_Guess what! 4 reviews in between updates this time! That's a new record! I guess I've been working harder on this story then I have my other ones just because of all the positive feedback I've been getting, so if you like the story keep reviewing and I'll keep updating! _

()()()()

_2. If your Queen is with a different Tom , you can always just beat him up. Queens like it when you're in charge._

"Tug, not only am I NOT the kind of cat to beat someone up because I wanted to, I am also the smallest cat in the junkyard. This is NOT going to work."

"Sure it will... just let me finish... OUCH! I hate sewing. Quaxo, hold still."

"I'm not strong enough!."

"It doesn't have anything to do with being strong... It's all about -ouch- looking big."

"Give me that!" Quaxo grabbed the needle out of Tugger's paw. He quickly and skillfully finished the stitch the Tugger had been attempting to do for the last 45 minutes.

"How do you DO that??" Tug asked, clearly amazed at Quaxo's sewing skills.

"Never mind... just tell me how I'm supposed to beat someone up wearing _this_." Quaxo looked down at his slender frame, which, I guess, didn't really look very slender anymore. Tugger had fashioned together some old socks, pillows, blankets and anything else he could find in the junkyard, and sewed them together. He then finished off his masterpiece by sewing anything black on top of it to make it look like Quaxo's coat.

"You won't even need to touch them!" Tugger insisted as he stood back at admire his work. "Yeah... that looks pretty good... if I do say so myself."

"Let me see." Quaxo jumped down to the ground and stalked up to a full length mirror.

"TUGGER!" He exclaimed, "I look like a mutated blackberry!"

"No, no, no... well yeah a little." Tug admitted as he came up from behind his friend. "But don't worry. We'll do this at night. He won't even be able to see you."

"Who is 'he' by the way?" Quaxo asked, a hint of hysteria in his voice.

"Plato." Tug replied lazily.

"Plato..."

"Plato."

"Plato?"

"Plato."

"PLATO!?" Quaxo screamed. "He's three times my size _AND_ he already hates me! He'll kill me if I try anything!"

"Quaxo he doesn't hate you. He just dislikes you... and besides," Tugger continued as Quaxo began to pale, "I already have everything figured out. Don't you... trust me...?" He put on his best puppy dog eyes and stared at Quaxo.

"No. I don't. I think I think I have good reason for that ever since the time with that hairbrush when you-" Quaxo was cut off as Tugger grabbed his arm.

"Great. Whatever. We've got some practicing to do!"

()()()()

"Oh, Victoria." Tugger put on a deep man voice. "You are so HOT!"

"Oh, Plato! You sexy beast!" He continued, now in a much more high-pitched voice.

"Kiss me!"

"Only if you kiss me first! Tee hee hee hee!"

"Tug... no offense or anything... but this is getting weird." Quaxo stood at the edge of a small clearing the two of them had found. He watched Tugger stand in the middle, playing the role of both Victoria and Plato himself... something he was rather excited to do.

"Ok... ok fine." Tugger frowned as he was forced to stop playing his game. "I'm Plato and I'm hitting on Victoria. What do you do?"

Quaxo stood up at full height and puffed out his chest. "Hey!" He called out in the deep voice he and Tugger had been practicing. "Get off of my girl!"

Tugger's eyes widened. "Quaxo! You are incredibly big! You must be just as strong! Take the girl! I'm out of here!"

Tugger turned around and mimed running, then spun around back into the Victoria character. "Quaxo, You big hunk of man! I'm yours!" He ran towards Quaxo and lept into his arms.

"Tug! Don't!" He called at his friend sailed through the air to him. Tugger landed on his chest and knocked both of them backwards.

"Well..." Tugger said as he brushed himself off and stood up, "You'll be able to catch Victoria."

Quaxo groaned as he stood up. "Are you sure this will work? I have a low pain tolerance..."

"Don't worry, buddy! I am the King of the Queens!" He giggled to himself for a second before continuing, "I won't let anything bad happen to you. I'll be right there watching and if the plan doesn't go exactly right, I'll step in and save you."

"Thanks, Tug." Quaxo said as he clapped his friend on the back. He took a deep breath and looked at the setting sun. "Ok. I'm ready."

()()()()

Quaxo stood in the shadows of the large Jellicle clearing. Plato was there, and so was Victoria. They seemed to be flirting back and forth. It made Quaxo's blood boil.

"Go on, champ!" Tugger urged him. "Nows the perfect time!"

Quaxo stepped into the clearing. He puffed out his chest and headed towards the pair of cats in the middle.

Victoria saw him first. Her eyes met his and her mouth dropped open.

She quickly pulled Plato into a hug._ What are you doing?_ She mouthed at him from behind Plato's back.

Quaxo just smiled as he came to a stop. "Hey!" he called loudly and clearly in the silence of the night.

Plato stiffened; then turned around slowly. He took one look at Quaxo and a grin broke over his face. "What are you? A mutated blackberry? Halloween was months ago, freak."

"Get off my girl!" Quaxo continued as if he hadn't heard him.

Plato took a few steps away from Victoria and towards Quaxo. His claws slipped out from his fingers and glimmered in the moonlight. "Or what?" he asked softly.

"Or... or..." Quaxo stammered. He took a few steps backwards and tried to inconspicuously look for Tugger in the shadows.

"Looking for your friend?" Plato asked with a sneer on his face. "He ran off with Bombalurina a second ago. He won't be back for a while."

Quaxo could feel himself start to pale again. "um... um..." _GOD DAMMIT TUGGER! _He swore in his mind. This was NOT going according to plan. Quaxo glanced around nervously as Plato came closer and closer to him.

"um... eat dirt!" Quaxo yelled and scooped up a pile of dirt from the floor. He threw it in Plato's face and booked it around him. Plato cursed and swatted at his dirt-filled eyes.

"Hi Victoria! Bye Victoria!" Quaxo called as he ran up (and passed) her.

"Quaxo, what are you doing?" She asked in amazement as the tiny (well, rather big now...) cat ran as fast as he could in his make-shift costume.

"Sorry, Victoria, but I really don't have time to tell you about it now! Maybe later, ok?" he called as he continued into the night. Behind him, Plato growled and stared after him, but sweet Victoria calmed him down enough to let Quaxo get away.

()()()()

_That one was a lot longer then that first chapter. Sorry about the crappy ending, but I'm trying to get it finished and uploaded before I have to go to thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents. So I'm going to stop talking now. _

_TTYL!_


	4. Step 3

_3. Queens love to be teased. They think it's cute._

"Quaxo! I'm sorry! Please, Quaxo listen to me!"

Quaxo continued walking in a straight line. He didn't have a specific destination. So long as it was away from Tugger.

"Quaxo, It was Bombalurina!" Tugger explained as he caught up to Quaxo. When he didn't get any reaction from his friend, he repeated himself, "Bombalurina!"

"I heard you the first time, Tug." Quaxo replied darkly. He sighed and stopped walking."Tugger, this is going to end up killing me."

"No." Tugger replied, shaking his head slowly, "not if you do it right."

"Well I don't know how to do it right!" The young tom exploded and started walking again, "This is your life, Tug, not mine. Plato's already planning my death and-" Quaxo was silence as Tugger clamped a hand over his friends mouth.

"Look." He said and pulled out his own copy of his list. "Number 3 can't possibly hurt out at all."

"What about when Victoria kills me for telling her that her coats ugly?" Quaxo muttered as he slipped out of Tugger's grasp.

"Well you don't say it like that!" Tugger exclaimed. "It's no wonder you don't have a girlfriend if you go around telling Queens that their coats are ugly!"

"But-"

"Shush! I must train you in the art of teasing!" Tugger grabbed Quaxo's hand and dramatically leaped off the pile of trash they had been standing on.

After pulling both himself and Quaxo out of the garbage can they had fallen into, he dashed off to their little clearing, dragging a protesting Quaxo behind him.

()()()()

Quaxo lay on his stomach, his hands rested on his paws, while he watched Tugger dance around the clearing. Tug was explaining the complex ways for teasing a female, but Quaxo was having a hard time paying attention. He just couldn't see how ANY female could find this appealing, let alone seductive. Maybe the things that worked for Tugger were only for Tugger. Maybe Quaxo needed a custom made list for himself.

As Quaxo pondered this, Tugger continued on with his lesson, blissfully unaware of the lack of interest from his pupil.

"Any questions?" Tugger finally asked as he finished.

"Yeah," Quaxo responded, "if this doesn't work can we please, please give up on it?"

Tugger thought for a second. "Yeah." He eventually replied.

"Because I think that this list may work for you but-... wait... yeah?"

Tugger shrugged. "I'll be blunt. I've never seen someone fail at both of the first two tricks. Maybe you just suck at this."

"Thanks, Tug. That's just what I needed to hear." Quaxo rolled his eyes at his friend.

"Don't worry about that though." Tugger explained as he led the two of them towards the Jellicle clearing, "just focus on Victoria right now. That's all that's important."

()()()()

Quaxo watch Victoria lay in the clearing with Etcetera and Jemima. The three kittens fawned in the sun, warming their bellies and chatting idly.

Tugger grinned silently at the young tom and pointed at them. He nudged his friend in the back and Quaxo stepped out into the bright afternoon light.

Quaxo walked forward. He tried to keep his chest thrown forwards like Tugger had taught him and he cleared his throat as he came close to the other cats.

"Good afternoon, ladies." Quaxo quoted Tugger, perfectly imitating the confidence in his voice, "Victoria, you're looking rather hideous today."

The tom held his breath as he waited to see the reaction of the Queen in front of him. Victoria opened one eye lazily and chuckled darkly to herself. "Back at you, Quax. By the way, watch out for Plato. He's out for blood." the other kittens giggled as Quaxo winced but quickly regained his composure.

"You really ought to do something else with your fur, Vic," he continued on with a sly smile, "'cuz whatever you're doing now doesn't seem to really be working for you."

Both Jemima and Etcetera let out a small gasp as their mouths dropped open. Victoria just raised her eyebrows and flipped over onto the stomach. She stood up and came face to face with the tom. "And yours is so much better?" she eyed him up and down mockingly.

Quaxo smirked. "You better believe it."

A grin escaped onto Victoria's face. She crouched down and bared her teeth, "You wanna fight about it?"

Quaxo grinned and let out a small chuckle, "You're going to regret saying that."

He crouched down with her and began springing up on his hind legs.

Victoria screamed in laughter, "Quaxo, don't!" But the tom had already launched himself. He smacked into her, tackling her to the ground, careful to keep her head from getting hurt.

She shrieked, but laughter poured out of her as well. She clawed playfully at the arms that pinned her down.

"I have better fur not, don't I?" Quaxo grinned down at her.

"Yes, yes!" She squealed, trying to twist her way out of the toms arms.

"In fact, I'm just better looking overall, right?"

She giggled and nodded her head. Quaxo smiled and looked up at the other two Queens. They both stared at him with amazement written on their faces.

"Should I let her up?" Quaxo asked them with a half-grin on his face.

They nodded wordlessly and the tom groaned. "You guy's are no fun." But he let the struggling cat beneath him up anyways. She jumped up and quickly formed a circle with her friends. They grouped together and began giggling madly.

Tugger had warns Quaxo of this. He called it "Female Giggle Syndrome" or FGS and apparently all the female cats do it. It unnerved Quaxo for a moment, but he quickly remembered his training.

"I'll see you beautiful ladies later... and you too Victoria." He shot one last smile in their direction as he sauntered out of the clearing, their giggles echoing in his ears as he went.

"Niiice work, buddy." Tugger congratulated him as they met up just far enough away that Victoria couldn't see them. "I told you. The list always works."


End file.
